ARGH so near yet so far

So today my cousin came over for the weekly sunday family lunch. She asked me when my free time would be this summer. So I gave her my schedule, and she asked me if I would want to go to Vietnam some time late-May. I was game for that. I got my laptop, and we were going to book my tickets online. However, due to some weird technical difficulties, or just because the website was screwy, we weren't able to book the tickets in the end.
Later at night (meaning now) I tried to access the site again just to check if i would be able to access it this time around... and it worked. I love booking tickets online.. It's so.. fun.. and organized. Makes me wonder how the IT people made the booking system (you know.. how they designed the database and all.. ugh CS122 kicking in). Anyway, while still in my booking-frenzy, I decided to go onto a whole new level. I asked myself "I wonder if I can book a ticket for Switzerland?" So I switched from the Cebu Pacific website to the one of KLM Royal Dutch Airlines. And lo and behold, you can book tickets to far far away places!
So here I was excited on the edge of my seat and told myself to just see if there would be a flight available for my 1 month long semestral break. At first I just wanted to see the availability; bam! convenient dates were available and for the cheap kind of fare as well! I just got so carried away with the booking process that by the time I couldn't click "next" anymore was when I needed to input the final details: Credit Card info... Fill that in, click the button and deal was sealed. Luckily for me, I don't have a credit card. If I did, I don't know if I would've had enough self- to prevent myself from clicking that button.

Here look how prepared I was for this "trip":

I swear, I will make this happen within this year. Well at least, I hope.

What have I learned today?
1) Never fake-book a ticket, it will just make you feel frustrated and depressed and nostalgic.
2) I will grow up to be the person who designs the database for Airline Systems.

PS I have found my old BLOG the other day. Oh how I miss substantial blogging

Memories thought forgotten: Roslyn Ann T. Corpuz (March 8, 1984- June 4,1997)

For the first seven years of my life, I had always been the youngest of 3 siblings. I had an older brother was six years older than I while my sister by five. From what I remember, they got along well together due to the proximity of their age. Many thought of them as twins. Being the youngest of the lot, I was often made the "go-getter" of random needs and wants ("ui 'Sa, kunin mo nga notebook ko.. nasa desk ko") Well I was more than welcome to help. I really envied the bond between my brother and sister. They saw each other more as ka-barkada than as siblings, while I was always the little girl peeping through keyholes or door gaps while they would have their friends over.

I greatly admired and envied my sister Roslyn. She was the friend for anyone in need. It amazed me to see the number of friends she would just invite over. I had often tried to memorize the names of all the guests that would visit the house, but there would always be new names. My sister had always been artistically-inclined. She would spend hours in her room sketching or painting. She would always have time to go out with friends and yet still be there for my parents. She easily socialized with everyone and anyone. At parties she, would just find and invite a tita or lola to dance the tango with, which would always be a highlight. My parents greatly loved her. Personally, it was no secret to my brother and me that my parents, most especially my mother, favored her over us. She had the legs and figure of a model. At the age of 13, she could pass for a seventeen year old, due to her height. She was a model student, who was active in academic and extra-curricular activities. She was well-rounded and well-loved.

For all the reasons aforementioned, the news of of what happened on June 4, 1997, exactly 10 years ago, came as a shock to everyone.

I will never forget the events that occured on the night of June 2,1997. I was 8 years old. At 3am, I awoke to the sound of a woman's shriek, my mother's. I looked over at my sister's bed - for I shared a room with her - to ask her what was happening, only to notice that she wasnt occupying it. I groggily got up from my bed, rubbed my eyes on the sleeve mof my flanel pyjama, and tried to orient myself towards the living room. The image that will forever be engraved in my memory is that of my mother sitting on the living room couch, head in her hands, rocking uncontrollably back and forth while repeating the words "Oh God, why? Please, no" constantly to herself. My brother, who was just 14 at that time, just stood over her feverishly rubbing her back and trying to soothe her; my father was nowhere in sight. Weirdly, there was a stranger in the room as well. A woman in a sweater was also in the living room talking to my brother in French. I really didnt know what was happening. Where was my dad? Why was my mom crying? Why wasn't Ate there either? I went up to my mom and tugged at her sleeve... I doubt she saw or even felt my touch... After what seemed like an eternity, my father returned and beckoned the rest of the family to follow him. I vaguely recall someone telling me that I shouldn't follow, but fearing that I was going to be left alone, I kept up. My father led us to the driveway in front of our building. The adults crowded around something that seemed to be in the middle of the parking lot. I could see my mom on her knees, covering something that I couldnt see with her arms. I tried to go nearer but I could feel my brother trying to hold me back. I fought against his restraint and somehow got to squeeze my head through the gap in between the legs of the adults.

On June 2, 1997, at around 3 o'clock in the morning, the body of a young teenage girl sprawled on her back was found at the foot of a seven story apartment building. This girl was my 13 year-old sister.

No one ever told me the truth about this matter. I had so many questions in my head. Why was Ate on the floor? Why wasn't she wearing the pyjamas that she wore when I wished her a good night barely six hours beforehand. Why were her clothes stained with red spots? Was she sleeping on the ground? I was 7 at that time. For as long as I can remember, the story that was fed to me was that my sister was sleepwalking and was just unlucky and somehow fell from our apartment on the seventh floor. When I asked how she got to change into day clothes, they would just say that it might have been a magic trick. Due to my innocence and naivety, I easily swallowed the lie. As the years went by, I realized that things just don't or can't happen like that. You just don't sleepwalk off a building!
At the age of 13, as I was going through the old school files of my brother, I saw an essay he wrote about the same incident. According to his story, he found himself being shaken awake at around 3am, by my father "Ronald! wake up! She- I can't believe it. She- she- she jumped! She jumped anak!". My father had woken up to the sound of a crash or loud thump, that came from the outside. He looked out the window and down the driveway 'til he saw the body of a teenager. He ran to the room that I shared with my sister and saw the absence. He then made to wake my brother up. This story clarified and even confirmed my speculations: my sister Roslyn had commited suicide at the age of 13.
She was brought to the hospital where doctors tried their best to save her from what was easily foreseeable. She remained unconscious til on June 4th, she was declared dead, most of the bones in her body broken.

Today (June 4th) marks the 10th Death Anniversary of my sister, Roslyn. Everything just seemed so surreal. During that day, I kept on thinking: "At this time last year, I was in the hospital waiting lounge, playing with my activity book while my sister was preparing herself for that one great adventure".

So many things have happened since that faithful day. And honestly, I am still not certain of my feelings towards my sister at present. Of course I will always love her and miss the times we spent teasing each other. I regret not having been able to spend more time with her. How I would have appreciated the presence of an older sister when I was going through my own teenage years. Yet, sometimes, I wonder if I do feel anger or frustration towards her. Sometimes I do feel that her act was somehow selfish. I am at a loss and can't for the life of me understand why she needed to resort to such an extreme situation. I am frustrated because of all the lost opportunities this event cost our family, how it eventually caused the severe depression that my father is still currently going through and much more. I just hope and trust my sister's reasons, whatever they may be, for having done this. I just would have wanted a good bye or a hinted reason.

I am sorry if the recounting of my stroy became confused and jumbled towards the end... Extreme emotions are playing with my capacity to write... which is why I will stop here. I just wished to write down the events that took place some 10 years ago.

Ate, wherever you may be right now, I hope that you are happy and somehow found the peace of mind that you have been looking for. I wish that the problems or conflicts in our world that caused you to make your choice 10 years ago are now solved, so that you may be at ease now. Remember that you will always have a family here that will continuously pray for you and wish for your happiness with the Lord. I am sorry for any wrong I may have caused you back then and up to now. I love and miss you so much. May God watch over you for all the days to come...

the return

*WARNING* --- due to months of inactivity, expect following post to be REEEAAAALLLLYYYY long, thank you =)
woah.. it's been 3 months since I started this blog... and this is my 3rd post.. very sad.. hmm i guess i've been too busy with the happenings of the end of last sem... So picking up from my

last post (which was aaaagggeeeessss ago) I had a zillion papers and requirements due.. haha Hell MONTH... there was even a week when I didn't sleep on the Sunday, tuesday and

thursday... meaning I slept every other night.. i tell you, it was intense.. So for the people out there who whine about not being able to sleep enough... You should live through my hell.

OK positive things that have happened to me since end of freshman year:
1) I passed all my subjects! ugh.. what's annoying tho is that I fell 0.05 points to get a QPI of 3 (over 4).. oh well at least i passed right?
2) I went back to Switzerland! (talk more about that later on)
3) I got to go for a month without a single drip of coffee...
4) I got to go for a straight week by sleeping on or before 11pm
5) Have decent and fun profs and subjects for summer classes

So yeah.. I went to Swiss.. woohoo yada yada... I made the greatest surprise in YFC Geneva history hahaha... ( seriously I practically made friend faint!!! )
It went really well.. Saw practically all of my old friends... I really felt like nothing had changed in all the years I had gone. I mean I had heard a zillion rumors and gossips about how

certain people stopped hanging out with certain people.. how others had become bitches and bastards while others had become more "tamed".. I got there, surprised everyone.. they saw

me.. then we hung out like old times...
Switzerland was hella fun.. I got NO SLEEP there.. well practically none.. Every night I would go home at like 1 or 2am... haha my aunts would watch TV while waiting for me, though I know

that they'd fall asleep and just wake up when they'd hear my keys...
So about my friends there: i was sooo happy i got to see them. Sure everyone changed.. but I mean.. who doesn't right? they really changed physically.. but again who would'nt in a lapse

of 3 years? haha I was happy cuz i somehow got some of my friends to rehang out with each other.. Some people who had drifted out of contact suddenly reappeared which was really

sweet and cool... I reconciled old feuds (I guess)... well I do guess that I was disappointed in some of the reactions.. I really don't think that I'm VIP level there, but I still couldn't help but

be disappointed and irritated at the people who didn't really show much surprise by my arrival (i mean those whom i used to be close with...)
I only stayed there for 2 weeks.. and I tell you I didnt waste a single day.. (proof: i stayed out until unholy hours lol)... It was still hella bitin though... didn't visit all the places I wanted to

go to, didnt see my old schoolmates who I wanted to see, didn't eat everything I wanted to eat.. but I'm still really happy with what I did do there..

Ok after coming back here:
oh oh my plane landed in the Philippines at 8:30am... I got through customs at 9:30am.. I got back to my dorm at 10:30am... then I took a shower and left the dorm at 11:25am.. Got to my

2nd class (i missed the first) of first day of summer class at 11:50am... classes started at 12nn... napakasipag kong estudyante!!!

OK so I guess it was wrong to go back to summer school DIRECTLY after my long awaited/frustrated-over trip to Switzerland.. why? because:
delayed depression! haha wth?
So for the first week of summer classes, things were still quite hazy.. probably because I was still toxic from my trip... I was still trying to get the feel of the new profs and subject,

restabilize my internal body clock and all...
The second week after my return was pretty tough and intense.. Summer classes are few but long. This summer, my CS block was sooo dispersed it was insane.. So I barely got to see my

blockmates. For long breaks I would just sleep in my org room, or find random people to eat with, or some other boring stuff... I was missing my Swiss friends SO bad! I kept on thinking,

"damn.. barely a week ago... I was still in Europe..." There was a certain even during that week or the next that sent my world temporarily crashing... :
I was going through the multiply sites of random people from Europe... At that time I was feeling kinda down because I kept on talking with my friends on MSN so I could barely move onto

'reality'.. Back to multiply-hopping.. I looked at the album of a friend and saw that she had recentlly been to two Swiss Hotel Schools... just to visit/inquire... Seeing these simple pictures

caused 3 years of pent up frustration/anger/sadness to just erupt... I cracked... It was like 11pm and my roommates were either sleeping or out... I went into the CR, slid onto the cold tiled

floor and drowned myself in tears for God knows how long... Then after that I called my brother in the States... i went on telling him things that now might've been considered quite

irational "I'm not happy here... I want to do so many things? why can't I study abroad like you did?" yadayada....

Many weeks after these events, I guess I was being a bit rash..People were right when they just thought it was because I was still toxic from my trip and that it would go away... well you

know what? It sort of did... I mean, I still pray to God for a sort of miracle where my mother would suddenly hand a one way ticket to Switzerland, but right now.. I'm good. I've remade

contact with the Pinay Raisa, and the Swiss Raisa is slowly starting to calm down and recede again... Why? i don't know.. summer classes ended up to be hella fun... I've made many new

great friends. I still keep in contact with the rest of my Swiss friends... They've moved on as well aka.. they stopped leaving daily comments on my friendster and not many actually start

net conversations anymore.. This was a big blow of reality for me... There were people in Swiss who told me to "keep in contact, chat everyday, stay updated, not forget them and talk to

them", so that's what I did... During the first few weeks back, there would be high internet activity, but after a while, we just ran out of things to say again.. and conversations went back

to being "hi - hi... musta? - ok lang naman... ikaw? - eto. ayos naman din- hehe..." PERIOD!!! it went back to how it was before I went back to visit Switzerland.. It hurt me quite a bit, which

probably served as my signal to "go onto the next chapter of my life"...

So what now? Quick summary of recent events:
- I went to Nueva Ecija last weekend for an Amazing Sociological Race... life-changing I tell you... It was the funnest thing that happened to me during the summer
- I met new people... these new people actually consist of my roommate's blockmates who are my Socio-Anthro classmates... haha.. really down-to-earth, fun people to hang out with
- I've been getting used to my driving... Need more practice!
- Took badminton classes - tiring.. fun.. helpful.. stress-relieving
- Summer classes ended... today...this last 2 weeks were quite easy-going for my taste.. haha really laid back and fun... Summer 07-08 was a great Experience
- I moved room again! still haven't slept in the new one though...

Ok that's ALL I have to say for now.. At least I'm updated with my life now... Hopefully I'll be able to maintain this.,. if not... oh well... haha
Til next time,
*Bow*

PS.... AISIS Enlistment in FOUR DAYS!!!!! ARGH I NEED DSL!!!

there's a ghost in my mirror!

ok so last night(this morning) i ended by sleeping 6am to 8am... 2 hours of sleep.. what more could i ask for?
i'm in serious need of sleep na.. di ulit ako matutulog ngayon dahil bukas na ipapass yung tanginang paper na toh...
ok so tomorrow.. block bonding ulit sa shakeys.. i want to go pero i would rather go catch up on some sleep...
i have a math longtest tomorrow... wth.. i still havent studied and i dont think i'll have time to study tomorrow... que sera sera...
so tomorrow after lit class.. there's shakey's.. up to 2:30.. then cram for math longtest til 4:30.. at which time the lt will begin.. it'll end at 6.. then from there, run to mateo ricci and get ready fot the fashion show...and get home at 11:30pm.. and sleep and never ever wake up.. sounds good?

ooooh big news of the day: I HAVE BRACES NA!!! i cant eat! i cant remember the last time i was able to chew a meal correctly.. haha

ok i really need to write this paper na... good night all!

yada yada first post

ok so it is currently 4:14 AM... and i just decided to create a blog... why? not sure.. maybe i'm drunk.. or high.. or sleepy.. or emo... or all at once...

i missed blogging.. i need an emotional outlet.. cause at the rate i'm going i feel like i'm gonna burst of tears, hysteria, yells, crap and what not...

i might consider not showing this to anyone... that might be wise...

so I am not sleeping right now because i'm supposed to be working */cramming/* on my research paper whose final draft is due friday... which is tomorrow.. HOLY CRAP! i am so dead.. oh i should add that i havent started yet..

i'm an emotional mess... I am so stressed i can feel the hair on my head slowly releasing its grip from my scalp... i have a phobia of balding...

aside from the 4800 word paper, i also have a math longtest for friday... next monday i have to pass the final version of the reseach paper (sh!t), and my psychology individual project (scrapbook whose title i named this blog after)... oh and friday my cs group is passing our battleship game program thing...

argh! someone please soak me in coffee... side note: i gulped down 2 shots of espresso earlier... which gave me a friggin huge migraine i might add...

oh btw.. i'll work on my layout when i'll have nothing better to do with my life.. and after i regain the endless hours of lost sleep due to English ( that might actually mean never)...

ok i'm gonna go back to my paper now...

random shout outs to people:
cs groupmates: uwaaa honto gomen! i havent been a help at all lately.. i feel so guilty that you guys have been working so hard on the game while i've been off burning paper (i did! for the old burnt effect for my scrapbook pages)... i so want to help you but i have this friggin eng paper and psy scrapbook to do... i know that's a lousy excuse.. argh.. i will make it up to you gusy!

N blockmates: i miss you guys! feel ko di na ako nakakapagbond sainyo.. it's so sad... feel ko tuloy na ooutcast na ako... pero thanks sa outing last week.. it was hillarious =]

eng blockmates: haha wala lang.. good luck sa paper! Bernice! ang hot ni *toot* dba? haha grabe ka friend.. tnx for coming with me to dentist... *tip tip*

orgmates: thanks for the company guys... you've all been great and hillarious! good luck sa fashion show... lol... nikhe! i know your secret!!!! *evil laugh*

roommates/dormmates : i love you guys!!! i think.. haha thanks for being there.. you are my only source of entertainment lately... please dont watch tv too late into the night.. i need silence in order to cram my papers at 2am...

swiss people: i don't know if i'll be able to make it this summer anymore... everything's just so fucked up that i dont know if i still have time to get a visa and ticket and everything... you guys cant imagine how much i want to see you guys and just mess around like old times... hayy.. ewan...

k... i'm done with my random rant of the day...